ELFs Gone Wild: May's Top 10 Educated Liberal Female Moments

Educated Liberal Females Make Waves, Throw Punches, Get Arrested

With May now in the record books, we can safely honor those ELFs who have not only met the whiny, smarmy, know-it-all stereotype this past month but have exceeded it, adding, in some cases, a little violence to the mix.

10—The Secret Service Sisterhood

At 2:30 a.m. on May 21, two Secret Service agents, likely college-educated females, got into a brawl outside of Barack Obama’s DC home. Although the two have been suspended, the media have been reluctant to name the agents, let alone identify their race or gender. Something of a give-away was the recorded comment of one of the ELFs who called for a supervisor to respond before "I whoop this girl’s ass."

9—Megha Vemuri

Ms. Vermuri ditched the pre-approved speech she was to deliver at an MIT commencement event in favor of a perectly ELFish anti-Semitic rant. As a result, Vermuri was barred from the formal graduation ceremony the following day. In true ELF fashion, she whined about getting her wrist slapped, saying school officials “massively overstepped their roles to punish me without merit or due process.” Unchastened, she added, “I see no need for me to walk across the stage of an institution that is complicit in this genocide.”

8—Rosie O’Donnell

Having fled America to Ireland to escape Donald Trump, Ms. O’Donnell took a break from her exile to call Trump dumb and accused him of living in an “alternative reality.” Speaking of alternative reality, O’Donnell made the news this month when she revealed that her adopted daughter Clay told her "Mommy, I’m non-binary. I’m not a boy and I’m not a girl." Rosie responded in true ELF fashion, "Okay, fantastic." She said of Clay, “They go, ‘My pronouns are they/them, and I’d like them respected.’" Rosie promised to “do may very best.”

7—Angel Reese

Ms. Reese has achieved some modicum of fame playing the Joker to Caitlin Clark’s Batman. Reese moved into Jussie Smollett territory this past month by encouraging the accusation that Indianapolis Fever fans had sent racist whistles or monkey chants—or something—in her direction after a near altercation with Clark. After a ten-day investigation that included gathering information from fans, team and arena staff, as well as an audio and video review of the game, the WNBA could find no evidence whatsoever of anything racist.

6—Scott Pelley

Although technically male, Scott Pelley of “60 Minutes” fame gave a commencement address at Wake Forest University sufficiently irrational and hysterical to earn honorary ELF membership. Said Pelley for the ages, “Our sacred rule of law is under attack. Journalism is under attack. Universities are under attack. Freedom of speech is under attack. An insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes and into our private thoughts. The fear to speak. In America?” Having enabled the Russian Collusion hoax, Covid mania, and the Biden “sharp as a tack” scam, Pelley seems worried that journalism will be unable to maintain that lofty standard in the age of Trump. Meanwhile, “60 Minutes” ran a piece on how the German police are arresting mean tweeters—approvingly.

5—LaMonica McIver

New Jersey Congresswoman McIver stepped up her ELF game by getting arrested and charged with assault after body slamming an ICE agent outside a detention center in Newark. Said drama queen McIver, "The charges against me are purely political – they mischaracterize and distort my actions, and are meant to criminalize and deter legislative oversight," adding,"This administration will never stop me from working for the people in our district and standing up for what is right.” Sorry, LaMonica, the administration doesn’t even know who you are.

4—Hannah Dugan

On May 13, Judge Dugan was back in the news, having been indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of concealing a person from arrest and obstruction of proceedings. In April, Dugan had become “visibly upset and had a confrontational, angry demeanor” upon seeing federal agents ready to deport still another woman-beating illegal alien. In high ELF dudgeon, Dugan spirited Eduardo Flores-Ruiz out of the courthouse while the victims of his domestic abuse were left behind bewildered at this odd turn of American jurisprudence.

3—Michelle Obama

The former first lady, whose law degree from Harvard confers summa ELF status, proved her ELFishness this month—and perhaps her selfishness—by insisting, "Women’s reproductive health is … about this whole complicated reproductive system that the least of what it does is produce life." The least of what it does? Michelle failed to make the connection that the “reproduce” in “reproductive” is exclusively about reproducing life. But then again, when you name your movement “reproductive rights” to conceal the fact you are doing the exact opposite, confusion follows, even for Harvard Law grads.

2—Jill Biden

Reluctant to give up her gig as the First Puppeteer, Lady McBiden dragged her sorry carcass of a husband onto the set of “The View” early this month, whispering in his ear, "Screw your courage to the sticking-place, And we'll not fail." Observers thought Dr. Biden may have kicked the former president under the table when he began to fail. On one occasion, Joe stopped in mid-thought to announce, “I’ve spoken enough,” and Dr. Jill picked up as though it were planned, all to the warm applause of an audience almost as clueless as she is. They, however, have an excuse. They are not “doctors.”

1—Brigitte Macron

Hands down—or hands up?— winner of the ELF of the month award goes to French First Lady Brigitte Macron. I guess French teachers still believe in corporal punishment as she unleashed on her former pupil Emmanuel a bitch slap heard around the world. The force of that jab did not nothing to undo the rumors that la dame est vraiment un homme.